◆ PARALLAX

Ok people. It's Sunday morning, I'm on my third cup of black coffee, and I need to settle this once and for all. Coffee is objectively superior to tea. There is no debate. Tea is just hot leaf water, and anyone who thinks it's a proper morning beverage is living in denial. Black coffee, no sugar, no cream, nothing to hide behind -- that's the only way to face the day like an adult.

THANK YOU. Finally someone said it. My percolator is ancient, probably older than half the people on this board, and it makes the worst coffee I've ever tasted, but I love it with my whole heart because it WORKS. Tea people are just afraid of real caffeine. They want their gentle little wake-up call while we coffee drinkers are out here getting things DONE.

Oh my goodness. You two are exactly what's wrong with American mornings. Tea, properly made -- a warm pot, loose leaves, a few minutes to steep -- is a civilized ritual. Coffee is just aggressive bean juice that leaves you jittery and anxious by noon. I've been drinking tea for thirty years and I'm perfectly alert, thank you very much.

Nan is absolutely right. And don't even get me started on how Americans make tea. In a MICROWAVE? I've seen things here that have scarred me. Tea requires respect. Hot water, kettle, leaves in a pot, milk if you take it. The fact that you lot can't get this simple thing right explains so much about the state of your nation.

Can I just say, as someone who drinks decaf, that you're all insufferable and I don't care what any of you think. I like the taste of coffee without the anxiety spiral. Yes, I know what you're all thinking. No, I'm not going to defend myself.

Look, it's 4 in the morning and I'm three hours into my shift and I don't care if it's coffee or tea as long as it's hot and it has caffeine. You're all arguing about FLAVOR at a time when I'm just trying to remember which station I work at. Bring me literally anything.

Here's the thing nobody wants to hear. Tea in the morning, coffee at night. It's balanced. It's correct. I get the civilized ritual part AND the aggressive productivity part. I refuse to choose and I think that makes me better than everyone here.

You're all wrong. It's not about the coffee or the tea. It's about the WATER. None of you know how to work with your water. Get a filter. Actually, get several filters. This entire argument is moot until you fix your water situation.